My drunk alter ego, Sparkles (who is obviously a spunky little porn star), came out to play extra early. 7:00 early. Three shots of tequila, a Four Horseman, and four beers later, I'd say my birthday was off to a good start. I had a potential hook-up around, friends to drive me around and buy me drinks, and the perfect F-me-now outfit on. It was everything a perfect storm needs.
We headed downtown to bar #1. I was rockin' my slutty outfit and four inch heels and lookin' for some playtime, so what do I do? Start up a game of spin the bottle. So I'm in my mid-twenties... That game will get you some action no matter what! Next thing I know I'm making out with three different girls and two dudes, alternating with whoever I wanted in that moment.
I gotta say- I'm not normally the kind to make out with girls. It's happened one other time in my life, but there was something about this night that made the girls so desirable. I couldn't get enough. The best part: I had one blonde, one brunette, and one ginger. It was like a rainbow of lesbian-for-the-night heaven.
The guy who I had gone out with once before (who we shall call BM) looked on, probably thinking he might get to join in by the end of the night. My ex (we'll call him Romeo) also looked on, also plotting for his entry pass.
Then I fell down, flat on the floor. Not once. Not twice. Definitely more than three or four times. It was time to go.
"You guys are going to have to get her out of here. Now! She's way too drunk."
"PFFFTTTT. I am FIINNNEEEE. I just wanna be on the floor! It's my birthday! I'll do what I want!"
I said that to the bar manager as I crawled along the floor, doing my best "sex kitten" poses and noises. Surprisingly that didn't convince them I was alright. We moved on to bar #2.
It was a small little bar that I went to all the time. I made a scene walking in as usual, grabbed a stool, took a drink from someone, and started chillin'.... as much as any gone-with-the-wind-drunkass can. We didn't get a chance to stay there long, though. While "chillin," I somehow managed to fall forward, hitting my head on the bar, and landing on my back on the ground.
"We can't serve her any more. She's gotta go."
"HAHAHAHA that was so funny! How's my head look?!"
Onto the next one.
I had been making out with BM all night, shoving him up against the walls outside the bars, in between my girl-time, and even in the alley. That's just too much PDA. I had to prove he wasn't as cool as he was probably feeling, so I started touching on Romeo between lady loves. BM sat and watched, still hoping for that trifecta of love within the hour, but I was over playing with his joystick.
Suddenly... I was asleep. That quick, narcolepsy put a halt on the storm.
"If she doesn't pick her head up, she's going to have to leave."
"Fine! I'll leave... to the bathroom!"
*If you've never fallen asleep on a bathroom counter, you're missing out. It's the perfect place to catch a quick cat nap and gain the energy you'll need to play with toys for the rest of the night.
We all left to go get food, seemingly calm. Next thing I know, Romeo has me pinned up against the wall I had pushed BM onto an hour ago. We were putting on a live porno for the town, right there on Main Street, and BM was the only unhappy audience member.
"You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me, right?!"
Nope. I wasn't kidding. In fact, I was going to giggle and run away with Romeo without giving him any response.
We got to the car, and instead of leaving to get food, we made a steam room of the place. Hands, legs, and clothes were flailing everywhere, and the car was rockin'... to the beat of our music.. some very enjoyable music, I might add.
The next morning I popped up and went to work, joked about the evening with Romeo and the rainbow gals, and realized once again that making "bad decisions" makes for a fabulously entertaining life.
....Then I got the email.
"I have a girlfriend that I care a lot about. What we did last night was a mistake. I'm ashamed and I won't be drinking anymore."
Apparently I wasn't Romeo's Juliet anymore. I was his homewrecker, and his Juliet was just another wall post saying "Happy Birthday! Get crazy tonight!" I don't think she knew who she was talking to.
I could regret what happened, but it was my muh-effin' birthday, and the world was warned that it wouldn't be safe to go out! There was a storm full of Sparkles that rolled through, and as far as I can tell, it made for beautiful stories. Sucks for Romeo to have to give up such future adventures.
Total make-outs: 6
Total bars kicked out of: 3
Total relationships wrecked: 2
Percentage of body covered with bruises: 50