Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Chain

If there's one thing I should know never to fall for, it's the obnoxious guy hollering at me from 100 yards away.
Ew. It makes me cringe just imagining it right now.

But one time I turned around and it was a beautiful, tall, piece of sexual chocolate that I couldn't deny. Plus- He said his name was Chase. I love Chases. I gave him my digits, realized he lived in my building, and we were taking advantage of the convenience within a few days.

There was no need to find out anything about his life. We had fun together, we had small talk, and there was never a dull moment. The only awkward thing that happened was what he wore over one night.

It was a chain that was straight out of the 25 cent machine... or 50 cents, if I'm being generous. He thought it was the hottest piece of bling, but I demanded it be taken off immediately if he wanted his joystick to be played with.

We then continued to be fun, active, and noisy... Until one day I got a text message from an odd number.
"Look, I don't know if you know this but Chase and I have been together for three years. He's done this to me before, so it doesn't surprise me, but I thought you should know that he has a family."


If there's anything I never want to be, it's a homewrecker. I hopped off his ride quicker than he could find 50 cents.

....For a week.

He convinced me that she was crazy, he broke up with her over a year ago, and that he didn't know what "family" she was talking about. Being a gullible and horny girl, I didn't think twice about getting back to our old ways.

We made more noises, burned some calories, and exchanged some words. Some of those words even included "Be my girlfriend. I want you to be mine."

I may be gullible, dude.. But I'm not a dumb bitch. He had some things to prove before he got to put any titles on me.

The next morning I was enjoying a nice chat with my roommate on our balcony and people watching. There were all kinds of ridiculous people taking one night stands and buying drugs, but that was nothing new. The odd sight- A family walking down the street, hand in hand, with baby in the carrier.

As we watch them more, we see them turn to walk into our building, and then walk into Chase's room.... Just like a movie, I watched the guy who just asked me to be his girlfriend, walk down the sidewalk and into his place with his girlfriend and child, as if there was no chance in the world I'd see him.

This time I cut him off. Had I cared about him at all, I might have cut his junk off or gone all Lorena Bobbitt on him. Luckily, I know better than to fall in love with FBs (Fuck buddies, not Facebooks, obviously). It was pretty easy.

Do you know what made it so I had to actually see him again? The chain. He insisted on coming back to get his stupid chain that was missing the glued on rhinestones and had a mis-matched clasp. Seriously.

I put on my best bitch-face and let him come pick it up, then shut the door in his face, movie style.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Martial Arts

Ya know how you know you're a good friend? When you'll take a serious grenade for someone. Normally it's the dudes who are known for doing such things, but girls do it too, and with much bigger grenades.

Enter my Crazy Bitch best friend who's wilder than me when she's single. This weekend, she happened to be single, and we were on a mission: To find us some bedroom fun.

There were a couple sexual darknesses on the dancefloor that we immediately decided to bend over in front of and back-back-back it up on.

With further review, I should take back the "sexual" statement when referring to the guy I had picked, but I was a good friend. She had a pretty boy, and they were both pretty funny. BONUS: They had accents! So we headed back to her house, where I planned on ditching mine in her guest room as I headed home alone to holler at my more dependable late-night "friend."

That's when she decided to drop the bomb that this grenade I had on my hands had to go home with me or else her man wouldn't be comfortable shacking up with her! Because I'm such an awesome wingman, we packed it up and hopped in my bed. That's when I asked him his name and deets.

Name: Martial. Home: Straight outta Africa. Age: Ten years older than me.

Imagine being in your bed, starting to undress, and finding out this information. Then imagine this person asking:
"Would you mind if I french-kissed you?"

Pause. French kiss?! WHO SAYS THAT ANYMORE?! Who, in their right mind, in their thirties, is going to ask a girl who has invited you into her bed and stripped off some of her clothes, for a kiss? A FRENCH KISS, at that?

That's when it became too much. He tried to kiss me and it was awful. He then tried to take the kissing a little further (south), but I had to pick his face up and make him his own bed on the floor. It takes pure artistry to pull off a fail like that, and that's why he will forever be known as Martial Arts.

Enough vodka to be willing to host the grenade: $15.00 (Helloooo, it's college!)
Mouthwash to rid myself of the awful taste: $3
Hearing an African ask for my permission for a french kiss: PRICELESS.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


Once upon a time I was the prude, innocent girl. I didn't drink and I had been with my boyfriend for over 14 months and never even seen his joystick.

That's probably why he cheated on me with 10 of my friends.

Like any normal person, I got over the bastard with the only things that can flip your world around: New rides and vodka.

Of course the exhilarating rides were normally a result of the vodka, and for that, I fully blame my BFF Burnett for my new lifestyle that has everyone involved grabbing the bedposts.

Now it's time for you to get a ride too. Enjoy it, but don't you dare fall in love. That never ends well.